Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I think I died a long time ago.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
