once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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