I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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