I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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