i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
