Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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