I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
