if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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