I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
