party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
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