I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
