The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
