And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
