Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
