I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
