I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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