So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
