Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
