Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
