I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
