on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
