Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
