how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
