The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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