I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I fill condoms, not promises.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
