oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
