don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
