I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
