checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
