My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
