Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
