I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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