hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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