So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
