I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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