There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
