she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
