i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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