new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
