I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
