Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
