I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize