Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
