I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
