If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
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The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
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You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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