It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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