I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
