Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
