You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize