btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
