Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
