She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
