i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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