You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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