They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
