having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Your cock deserves a montage
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
