so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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