did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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