I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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