you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
