The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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