That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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