I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
