first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
